dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Randomize
