): 100 percent naked, unless you count a tiara as clothing.
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
