I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
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