please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
Randomize
