He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
