She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Randomize
