remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
