and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
