Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
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