i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
Randomize
