I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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