new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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