I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
