C thinks vomiting on the batroom floor = reaon not to party. Lies. Party continues.
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Randomize
