Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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