I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
my phone needs a breathalizer
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Randomize
