fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
Text me some of your sweat
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Randomize
