so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
