Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
