It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
