Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
I said "one day" and that day is not today
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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