either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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