There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I don't think he has that. His apartment was pretty much a tv and a bed. Topless girl calendar and a glass of water to put out cigarettes.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
