I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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