does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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