Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
