she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Randomize
