Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
Randomize
