I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Randomize
