yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
