Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Randomize
