i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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