they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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