who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
