So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
I am available for nakedness
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
