I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
