If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Randomize
