Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
