Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
