Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize
