Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
I HOPE YOU ENJOY THIS VDIEPO BECAUSE I AMS ENDIONG A LOKT OF EFFORT RECORIDNG IT
I ONLY PARTIALLY KNOW WHAT YOU SAID. BUT I THINK I WILL LIKE IT.
I effort
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Randomize
