im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
