census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
you didnt know i had herpes?
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Randomize
