if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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