The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
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