Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
