oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
scale of 1-10 how well do I give head
5, but i have never had a 10. best was an 8 so if i grade you on a curve you are a 7. ish.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
