I'd wear matching sweaters with you
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
erin looks like she hung out with the sham wow guy last night. she's got the beat up hooker look goin' on
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
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