Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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