God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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