Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Someone signed my nipple.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
