3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Randomize
